the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
