How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I faked an abortion last night.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Randomize
