Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
