Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
