There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
