Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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