I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
