So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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