Got a toothbrush?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
