I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
