my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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