Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
