I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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