Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
