i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
