The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
