Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
