Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
