Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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