OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you will always have a special place in my vag
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
