I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I need a beard to bite.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
