she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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