the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
