Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
