come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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