your parents love me but you hate me
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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