Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My balls are so social today.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
