The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
