I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
