I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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