you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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