I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
