Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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