im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Randomize
