I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
