Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
