I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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