that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize