the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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