What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
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