After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
