I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
