Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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