The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
