i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
