i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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