I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
