I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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