We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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