you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
