My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
