I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I met the friendliest cop last night
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
