Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
