Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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