If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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