So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
