don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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