Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
