i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
