she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
