Yo dont text me then not text me
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
